Coffee Talk X Files Version
by Chapin CSI
Summary: X Files & CSI crossover: Dana Scully and Sara Sidle talk about unrequited love. Abby from ER helps them make a decision.


COFFEE TALK

I posted this story in December, but I had to revise it after watching Butterflied.

This is a crossover between CSI, The X Files and ER.

First of all, I've only seen about 2 episodes of ER so my portrayal of Abby Lockhart might be inaccurate- sorry!

Secondly, I speak Spanish, so my English is very awkward...-sorry again!

Spoilers: Primum non nocere, Scuba Doobie do, The Burden of Proof, Butterflied

This was written as a play.

CHARACTERS:

CSI: Sara Sidle: Has loved Gil Grissom for a few years.

X FILES: Dana Scully: Has kept a very chaste relationship with Mulder. But does she want to keep it that way?

ER: Abby Lockhart: Likes to tell people what to do.

Some surprise guests at the end...

* * *

Set just after Butterflied…

PLACE: A coffee shop, a quiet haven inside a loud Las Vegas hotel, place of the Annual Lab Equipment Expo. Sara Sidle enters the coffee shop bearing a pile of catalogs; she buys a latte and looks around for a place to sit. She recognizes Scully, who is sitting at a nearby table; after hesitating a moment, Sara approaches her.

SARA: Dana Scully? (Friendly) Hi.

SCULLY: (looks up and recognizes her) Sara… from Las Vegas CSI, right? (Gestures Sara to take a seat) How've you been?

SARA: Fine, thanks. And you? Still working for the FBI?

SCULLY: Yes.

SARA: I've been thinking of joining you, guys.

SCULLY: That's what you said last year. That's how we met. Remember?

SARA: Oh. (Embarrassed) Right. Sorry.

SCULLY: We didn't finish the interview because you were paged. Something about a DB and a hockey rink… and a plant or something-

SARA: Hum. Yes. I remember. You have a good memory.

SCULLY: Yes, it's good for my work.

SARA: (Thoughtfully) I remember something, too. You kept telling me that you were not from Personnel.

SCULLY: (The memory still pisses her off) I wasn't! I was ordered to do interviews, for aliens' sakes! Me, a Senior Agent! (Quoting): 'Due to accusations of sexual misconduct on the part of male interviewers, you are required' blah, blah. (shakes her head) I had to interview bored housewives, smelly school kids, angry divorcées -

SARA: (hopefully) Are you still doing that?

SCULLY: No. (Smiling dreamily) No; my boss, Director Skinner put a halt to that. (Looks at Sara) Are you having another crisis at the job?

SARA: (hesitating) . No. Hum. Yes.

(Unbeknownst to the two women, someone sitting nearby is listening closely to them. It's Abby Lockhart)

SCULLY: (Bitterly) Everybody comes to the Bureau thinking it'll be the start of a wonderful, intriguing life. Ha! If they had to work in the basement like I do! (Takes a deep breath) Look, I'm sorry, but I'm not good company right now.

SARA: Me, neither. (Sheepishly) But if I sit alone, I'm afraid I'll start ordering kahluas.

SCULLY: Oh. Well. Stay, then. And excuse me if I sounded bitter. The job's not so bad, really, even with those ridiculous assignments. (Shakes her head) I can deal with that. I can even deal with the boys' club attitude, believe me; it's the personal stuff that I have trouble with. Relationships ruin everything.

SARA: (nods vigorously) Yes, they do!

SCULLY: (Muses) Relationships. Or lack of them, if you know what I mean.

SARA: I do. (Spitefully) If I told you about my own problems at work you'd have a laugh.

SCULLY: Really?

SARA: Yeah. I fell in love with a coworker.

SCULLY: (mumbles to herself) I'm laughing already. (To Sara) Does he know? (A bit lower) Is it a he?

SARA: Yeah. And yes, he knows

SCULLY: That's a start. What did he say?

SARA: Not a thing.

SCULLY: (mumbles to herself) They're all the same. (To Sara) How do you handle this situation? You haven't made a pass at him, have you?

SARA: (virtuously) No, of course not…

SCULLY: (Approvingly) Very well. (She sips her coffee)

SARA: (shrugs) I just I touched his face.

SCULLY: (chokes) You TOUCHED his face?

SARA: I was brushing chalk off his cheek!

SCULLY: ...and?

SARA: And, well- nothing happened for a year…

SCULLY: (mumbles to herself) A year. Imagine eight years and nothing happening-

SARA: But after he ignored me during several cases I said I'd rather work for the FBI. That drew a surprising response from him!

SCULLY: Really? What did he do?

SARA: He gave me a plant.

SCULLY: And?

SARA: And I decided to stay.

SCULLY: (Pauses) You didn't leave just because he gave you a plant? (Scully considers this for a moment, then mumbles to herself) I've never been given anything for staying. (To Sara) So, you stayed...?

SARA: And I asked him to dinner

SCULLY: (chokes again) YOU ASKED HIM TO DINNER? (Admiringly) Wow!

SARA: Yes, and he turned me down.

SCULLY: Oh. Oh, well...

SARA: But he was losing his hearing at that time! Maybe he didn't hear me, you know? So, I decided to give him another chance.

(At her table, getting more and more impatient, Abby rolls her eyes)

SCULLY: Another chance?

SARA: (sheepishly) You think I'm a wimp for staying, right?

SCULLY: Hell, no, you've had more guts than... than... well, go on.

SARA: Ok. So, tonight he practically said that he loves me but won't do anything because love could mess out his orderly world. What do I do? Keep chalk in my pockets just in case? Ask him to lunch? (A sudden idea comes to her) What if I plan a picnic at the Body Farm...? (Thinking aloud) That would be a perfect setting... but the Body Farm is so isolated... Hey, but I'm not dating anybody, so he doesn't have to kill me, like Doctor Kyle-

SCULLY: Whoa, kill? What are you talking about?

SARA: Long story. It concerns my exact double being killed by a doctor, my coworker's counterpart - (looks at Scully) – I know it sounds unbelievable, but-

SCULLY: Believe me, it doesn't. Look, Sara, can I be honest?

SARA: Sure (she sips her coffee)

SCULLY: First, I've got to tell you that I've been in love with my coworker for eight years and he doesn't know-

SARA: (choking) EIGHT YEARS?

SCULLY: Yeah, and even though I've never touched his face or asked him to dinner, and even though we have a son-

SARA: YOU TWO HAVE A SON? TOGETHER?

SCULLY: Yeah. Though I haven't seen him lately.

SARA: YOU HAVEN'T-

SCULLY: (interrupting) Look, all I'm saying is, give it another try. And if you still want to change jobs, I'll arrange another interview.

Abby can't resist anymore. She has to SAY something and CORRECT things.

ABBY: Excuse me. (She drags her chair to sit with them) My name is Abby Lockhart. I've been listening to you two and I can't believe you've waited more than a season- I mean, more than a year to have sex with a coworker!

SCULLY: (hesitates) Well, there's always a question of ethics-

ABBY: (rolling her eyes) At this rate, in a few years you'll be all alone!

SARA: Excuse me; are you with someone right now?

ABBY: Uh. No. No, what with my brother's problems and my mother's, and- Anyway! I'm talking about you! Don't you see what's happening here? Those men think you're delicate princesses who'll be disappointed as soon as you find any flaw in them!

SCULLY: Oh, please! Princesses?

SARA: (rolls her eyes) Delicate?

ABBY: (shrugs) Or high school girls with their first crushes. (Smirking) I bet you carry their pictures deep in your wallets.

SARA: (blushes) Oh, well, I have one, a group shot. (She searches in her shoulder bag, finds it, gives it to Scully, pointing at Grissom. Scully gives her a picture she took out of her pocket)

(Sara and Scully look closely at the pictures.)

SARA: (mutters) Look at that nose.

SCULLY: (mutters) But he's so old!

SARA and SCULLY: (turning indignantly to each other): What?

SARA: Give me that! Grissom's not old! His hair was already turning gray by the time he was thirty-five!

SCULLY: Mulder's nose is fine!

Abby: (glances first at Grissom's picture and mutters) Look at that double chin (glances at Mulder's) Look at those beady eyes. (Aloud) I'm afraid you two have idealized these guys. Look at them. They're not perfect, but you act as if they're the only men on earth! I bet you haven't dated anyone while waiting for these two to make up their minds!

(Scully looks guiltily away while Sara mutters something that sounds like 'rat-hank")

SCULLY: (takes back her picture and examines it) ... I don't think I idealize Mulder...

SARA: I definitely don't idealize Grissom!

ABBY: (curious) Do you always call them by their last names? As if you weren't their equals?

SARA: (hesitates) His name's Gil.

SCULLY: His name is Fox.

SARA AND SCULLY: (Turning to each other and speaking at the same time): I like his last name better.

SARA: (to Abby) I don't idealize him. (She looks at Grissom's picture) I know he looks older than he is.

SCULLY: (Looking at Mulder's picture) And I know his nose is a bit long.

SARA: (still looking at the picture) And I'm aware that he's not the most communicative man on earth-

SCULLY: (still looking at Mulder's picture) And I know all about the porn he keeps at his home-

SARA: And I know he'd rather stay at home with his ants than have dinner with me-

SCULLY: (rolls her eyes) Oh, and don't get me started about the way he keeps babbling about conspiracies-

SARA: (looks up and smiles dreamily) But he's so smart! And he smells so good!

SCULLY: (looks up) Does he? What scent does he wear?

SARA: He doesn't.

SCULLY: He doesn't! (Melting) Oh, wow.

(As Sara starts gushing about Grissom, Abby shakes her head)

ABBY: Women! You're living a fairy tale!

SCULLY: Look, Ms. Locked-Heart, I think…

ABBY: Lockhart. It's LOCK-HART!

SCULLY: (smugly) That was an intended pun. I think you just don't believe in love and wouldn't recognized it if it hit you in the head.

ABBY: (Defeated) It's no use, talking to you two. You won't listen.

Abby drags her chair back to her table and picks up her cell phone. She punches the redial button.

ABBY: Hello, mother? …Yes it's me… We need to talk about MY brother... Yes. AGAIN!

(Meanwhile Sara and Scully look at the pictures in their hands.)

SARA: High school girls, she called us.

SCULLY: (sighs) I never had a high school crush.

SARA: I did. He was a teacher.

(They look at each other, their minds busily working out the psychological implications)

SARA: I feel silly, thinking of changing my job just because he doesn't want me.

SCULLY: But he said he loves you.

SARA: He didn't say it to my face. I was eavesdropping. And he said that he loves his job more.

SCULLY: Oh. (mutters to herself) Another one.

SARA: And he's not just a coworker. He's my boss.

SCULLY: (stunned) Really? Your boss? Wow. I- I'd never even consider that possibility. (She's lost in thought for a moment)

SARA: Do you think Abby's right about all this?

SCULLY: If she is don't tell her, it would only encourage her. But I have to admit that I feel a little disgusted with myself. I mean, my life should be in my hands, not his! And I deserve to be loved, damn it!

SARA: Hey, I hear you. (sighs) Seems we have some thinking to do.

SCULLY: Yes. (Pauses. She takes a deep breath and then speaks again) Sara, let's give ourselves a year to find out if this is just a schoolgirl crush. Let's show them we won't leave because of a few flaws. Let's show them that they don't have to choose between their jobs or us, but that we need some resolution! What do you think?

SARA: Sounds like a good idea! And look, no matter what happens, let's meet here again! We'll come, alone or with them. Deal?

SCULLY: Deal!

Epilogue

(A year later)

(Sara enters the coffee shop, pulling a reluctant man by the hand.)

SARA: Come on, Gil, you'll like her.

GRISSOM: (Remains behind her, but only because it gives him a chance to look at her legs) We could be checking out that lab equipment.

SARA: We will. I have my eye on a – (she spots Dana) There she is!

(Scully's sitting alone. She looks up and waves. Sara and Scully exchange greetings and then Sara introduces Grissom. The two women sit)

GRISSOM: (charmingly) Lattes everyone?

SARA and SCULLY: (completely charmed) Yes, Gil.

SCULLY: (whispering to Sara as Grissom leaves) It's the eyes, right?

SARA: Yes, it is (she smiles and then looks around) Dana, is he...?

SCULLY: Oh, he had to make a phone call, but he'll be here soon... (Suddenly she smiles at a man approaching the table. Tall and distinguished, he smiles warmly at them. (Sara turns to Scully, who smiles back at her) Sara, I'd like you to meet Walter Skinner.

THE END

Please forgive me, M/S shippers! I just think Skinner would cherish Scully more.


End file.
